Starring :
----------
Captain John-Luke Ricard, who always baldly goes where everyone already went
before, aboard his (t)rusty old bucket, the starship LESSERPRIZE ;
Commander Bill Piker, First Officer ("Number One"), whose primary job is to
maintain a poker face, giving the impression to be extremely important
without ever having to do anything even remotely useful ;
Lieutenant-Commander Beta, the android who desperately tries to imitate the
silliness of his crewmates - and sometimes sadly succeeds admirably ;
Lieutenant Morf, Chief of Security, who growls a lot in Cling-On language and
continuously wants to drop dead with a lot of honour ;
Lieutenant-Commander Jordi LaGorge, Chief Engineering, the techno-babbling
engineer who enjoys looking through a hair-band and who obtained such
a high degree in space-time theory, that he can repair a systems
failure even before it occurs ;
Special guest : Björk as a member of the alien race "the Bjork"
TONIGHT'S EPISODE :
PIKER : "Captain, sensors are picking up a distress signal. It originates from
an unexplored part of the galaxy."
RICARD : "I'm on my way to the Bridge, Number One!"
Ricard enters the Bridge, tripping over the leg of a small kid playing on the
floor.
RICARD : "What the devil...?! Mr. Morf, isn't it your job as Chief of Security
to keep these damn brats off my Bridge?!"
MORF [a bit embarrassed] : "Er... I really didn't see the child enter, Sir.
But I guess these things just happen in space."
RICARD : "Mmm, I'll accept that as a satisfactory explanation, Mr. Morf. Keep
up the good work."
MORF : "Thank you, Sir!"
ENSIGN : "Speed and course laid in, Sir."
RICARD : "Very well. Let's see what's out there... Engage!"
When the starship Lesserprize reaches its destination, it suddenly gets fired
upon.
PIKER : "Shields and thumbs up! Purple alert!"
- Intro sequence - (lots of stars and empty space ; consider it skipped)
RICARD : "Who's firing at us? Mr. Beta, any ideas?"
BETA : "Sensors are picking up no signs of any vessel, Captain. Hihihi!"
RICARD : "I beg your pardon?"
BETA : "My latest effort at being more human, Sir. Humour. Intriguing."
RICARD : "Ah. Very commendable, Mr. Beta. Maybe one day you'll get there."
BETA : "Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir."
RICARD : "Well, Number One, haven't you got anything better to do than to
clumsily hang around all over my Bridge?"
PIKER : "But Sir, isn't that what I always do?"
RICARD : "Oh, come to think of it... Quite right, Number One! Keep it up!"
PIKER [stupidly grinning] : "No problem Sir!"
RICARD : "What about you, Mr. Morf, any suggestions?"
MORF : "The vessel might be cloaked. I recommend shooting at everything, Sir,
even at those things that do not move."
RICARD : "A bit wasteful though. Do NOT make it so."
MORF [who does NOT start firing phasers and does NOT launch photon torpedoes]:
"Right away, Captain!"
BETA : "Sir, a vessel is uncloaking straight ahead."
RICARD : "Can you identify it, Mr. Beta?"
BETA : "Judging from its typical shape and characteristic type of armament, I
can definitely inform you that it's obviously an... unknown vessel,
Sir."
PIKER : "Beta, you used a contraction! You said "it's" instead of "it is"!
Does that mean you can talk like real people now?!"
BETA : "I believe that to be an error in the script, Sir."
PIKER : "Mpfh, bummer."
MORF : "The vessel is hailing us, Captain!"
RICARD : "On screen!"
On the screen appears an oriental looking being, with lots of little black
cones on its head. The creature only produces a strange sort of humming noise.
MORF : "Sir, the being... I believe it to be female... it's trying to...
paralyse us... with that... sound."
RICARD : "An extremely perceptive observation, Mr. Morf, but I kinda noticed
that myself, thank you. [dots indicating paralyzation omitted for
convenience] The being is apparently communicating directly with me
using some sort of telepathy. I believe our lives have just become a
lot more complicated. We have encountered... the Bjork!"
- Dramatic close-up of Ricard's nose followed by commercial break -
BETA : "Sir, the Bjork vessel has locked its tractor beam onto the Lesserprize
and I cannot seem to find the key to unlock it - I believe I just made
a pun, Sir, a play of words, a..."
PIKER : "This is not the time for jokes, Mr. Beta, just find that key!"
BETA : "Aye, Sir."
The Lesserprize shakes as the Bjork vessel becomes... rather aggressive,
actually.
MORF [admiringly] : "Mmm! That Bjork seems to be stronger than a Cling-On
woman! I like her!"
PIKER : "Jordi, what the hell is going on in Engineering?"
LAGORGE : "The dilithium crystals are decrystallizing, which is causing a
subatomic flux interference with the subspace warpdrive! It's going to
take at least seven months to repair this!"
PIKER : "You've got five seconds!"
LAGORGE : "I'll do it in three!"
Suddenly a Bjork materializes in Engineering. One cute gaze and all inside are
paralysed.
BJORK : "Well, Mr. LaGorge, do you think I went through all that trouble of
causing damage, just to let you repair it? Any attempts to interfere
with my plans and I'll make you see some colours you didn't even know
were in the spectrum!"
LAGORGE : "I don't think my visor would be able to pick them up anyway."
BJORK : "Don't try to be clever! I'm good at karate, you know?"
LAGORGE : "I wouldn't dream of upsetting you, 'mam."
BJORK : "I will now go and see your captain."
The Bjork produces a low humming noise and vanishes from Engineering...
Having beamed herself onto the Bridge, she carefully examines the officers
present. With a typically quick reaction, Morf draws his phaser and points it
at the alien.
MORF : "Halt! One more step and I'll zap you!"
BJORK [pulling a funny face] : "Who said anything about moving, macro-head
with micro-brain!"
MORF : "You dare insult me? My code of honour dictates that I shall zap you
anyway, steps or no steps!"
Morf frantically searches for the correct setting on his phaser until he
breaks a sweat, but when he attempts to fire, nothing happens.
PIKER : "Wow, that Bjork can even neutralize weapons!"
MORF [uttering some Cling-On curses] : "Er... I'm afraid that's my fault, Sir.
I seem to have forgotten to recharge the damn thing!"
RICARD : "Alert and vigilent as always, Mr. Morf?"
MORF : "Obviously, Sir!"
RICARD : "Obviously."
MORF : "Then I'll just growl a lot and see what happens!"
PIKER : "I don't think that's a good idea. Let me handle this. Since I'm good
at charming women, I'll simply sweep her off her feet."
BJORK : "Haha! You can't even keep your head straight!"
RICARD : "She's got a point there, Bill."
PIKER : "Yeah, but it's because the emotional half of my brain is larger than
its, er..."
RICARD : "Intellectual part?"
PIKER : "Grmph. Thanks for helping me out, Sir."
RICARD : "That's what friends are for."
BJORK : "It's you I've come to talk to, baldie!"
RICARD : "You can address me as "Captain Ricard", young lady!"
BJORK [undisturbed] : "Ok, ok, Rikky, let's talk business."
RICARD [nervously straightening his jacket] : "And just what is your BUSINESS
on my vessel?"
BJORK : "I come from a planet which is called "!;-*" [the crewmembers on the
Bridge only "feel" a few "sounds" inside their heads], but in your
language that would be "Iceworld". That's because there's a lot of ice
on it."
PIKER : "My homeplanet is also named after its most common component. You see,
there's a lot of earth..."
BETA : "And water, and highly polluted air."
BJORK : "Let me see... That would have to be... I think I've got it! "Planet
Dirt", right?!"
PIKER : "Well, erm..."
BETA : "A very logical deduction indeed."
RICARD : "Are there any more like you aboard that vessel?"
BJORK : "No. Because I was very restless and easily bored, I was considered a
threat to my homeworld and so they abandoned me on board that ship.
They just left the weapons operational so I could shoot at asteroids
whenever I got bored. But I figured out a way to send out a distress
signal, and that's what lured you to me! [The Bjork makes a little
jump out of joy.]"
PIKER [annoyed] : "And I suppose you want this ship as your new toy?"
BJORK : "Nah, you people are all too boring! I want you to take me back to my
homeworld, where I can drive everyone crazy again!!"
RICARD : "Can I discuss this with my senior officers?"
BJORK : "Yeah. Meanwhile I'll roam about your precious vessel to find out
where a girl can have some fun on this ship. See ya later, Rikky!"
RICARD : "All senior officers to my Ready Room!"
When Ricard, Piker, Morf, Beta and Jordi have entered the Ready Room, the
Bjork leaves the Bridge in search for some entertainment (which of course she
will never find...).
RICARD : "Well, are we going to allow this creature to return to her world,
where she will undoubtedly cause much havoc, riots, disasters and even
a bit of trouble?"
MORF : "Honour demands that she be destroyed immediately, Sir!"
LAGORGE : "With the main reactor off-line, we're not going anywhere for the
moment, anyway."
RICARD : "Shouldn't you be working on that right now, Commander?"
LAGORGE : "I thought I had to attend this meeting, Sir?"
RICARD : "Well can't you do two things at once?"
LAGORGE : "But that's asking the impossible, Sir!"
RICARD : "And that's the short definition of being captain!"
LAGORGE : "Of course, Sir. I'll get right on it, Sir!"
PIKER : "As usual I have no suggestions at the moment, Captain."
RICARD : "Thank you, Number One, you're most helpful."
PIKER : "My pleasure, Sir."
BETA : "I could easily overpower her, Sir."
RICARD : "There's no way of telling what powers she may still possess, so I
would advise caution against brutal force. Besides, I'm curious to
know what kind of people would ban one of their own from their world.
I think I will escort the Bjork to her homeworld and have a serious
talk with its leaders. Anyone got any better options? No? Good. How
long before power is restored to the warp engines, Mr. LaGorge?"
LAGORGE : "Er, at this moment I'm not here, Sir. I'm in Engineering. A small
side-effect of doing two things at once."
RICARD : "Ah. Good. Very good. Well, I'll meet you there and ask you again.
Dismissed everyone!"
A few seconds later the ship is fully repaired and the Bjork returns to the
Bridge.
BJORK : "What an awful place is this! There's nothing to do here but to run
around in silly uniforms and look professional!"
RICARD : "Don't worry, I have decided to bring you to your people. They will
have to deal with you."
BJORK : "Fine. But what am I to do in the meantime? I'm already fed up with
this place!"
PIKER : "Let me take you to Ten-Forward, there we can have some fun."
BJORK : "Ok. But no tricks! Or I'll sweep YOU off your feet!"
A little bemused, Piker escorts the Bjork to Ten-Forward. Along the way, the
Bjork laughs heartily at the silly gaze of the passers-by who stare at her as
she skips and jumps across the corridors.
BJORK : "And you call this a fun place?! Sitting at a small table and drinking
strangely coloured fluids isn't exactly my idea of having a good time!
Those people look dead! What this joint needs is some REAL
excitement!"
Before Piker can say or do anything, the Bjork makes a low humming noise and
suddenly everyone in the room stands up from his seat against his will and
starts to clumsily stumble across the floor. After a few minutes, they all
crash to the ground from exhaustion. Piker, who wasn't spared either, is the
first to crawl to his chair.
PIKER [gasping for breath] : "What the... hell was that... all about?!"
BJORK : "I can't believe it! I tried to make those people dance, but they
simply don't know how to move! Terrifying!"
PIKER : "You can... say that again... I thought I was... history!"
BJORK : "Say, waiter? Can I have some of your strongest stuff? I wanna get
drunk before I yawn myself to death! And some for my friend, too!"
A dozen of bottles later...
BJORK : "*sigh* What is this stuff? Water?"
PIKER : "Wha..wha...wha...what y'say? H...hey, I think I j...just made an
impo...portant scient'fic discovery! This synth...ohol isn't sup...
posed to make you dr...dr...drunk!"
BJORK : "Hey? Are you all right? Poor guy, must be from spending too much time
inside this awful place. You should get out more, you know? You really
need some fresh air!"
On the Bridge, captain Ricard is standing firmly, ready to throw his
diplomatic skills into the battle, always knowing precisely what to say and
think in a crisis situation. Just as well then, that there's nothing going on,
'cos at the moment his mind is a total blank.
MORF : "An object detected at starboard, Sir! Readings indicate faint life-
signs!"
RICARD : "On screen!"
BETA : "It is a comet, 10,000 kilometers in diameter."
RICARD : "Can you get a fix on the life-signs, Mr. Morf?"
MORF : "First my mind has to get a fix on the computers' calculations... It's
not easy doing maths when all you're used to is opening hailing
frequencies and firing phasers! But I think I've got it... There it
is!"
RICARD : "Computer, home in on life-signs and enhance image!"
What they see on screen startles them... Buried in the ice of the comet lies a
bearded man, his eyes wide open and his hair standing up straight...
MORF : "Sir, it's... it's... !"
RICARD : "How the devil did he get up there?! Beam him directly to Sickbay!
Computer, locate the Bjork!"
Ricard, accompanied by the Bjork, arrives in Sickbay.
RICARD : "Just how did you get it into your head to do such a thing?!"
BJORK : "Well he definitely needed to cool down a bit, and since there was
this huge lump of ice nearby, I instinctively beamed him onto it..."
RICARD : "I see. Well he certainly cooled down, all right!"
BJORK : "Haha! He looks like he's electrocuted!"
PIKER [clacking his teeth] : "It-t-t-t's not-t-t-t f-f-funny!"
BJORK : "Well at least it made you get rid of that hangover, didn't it?!"
RICARD : "By the way, how DID you manage to survive without a space-suit?"
PIKER [slowly coming to his senses] : "Space-suit? We never use any of those,
not even when we beam down into a highly toxic atmosphere! We really
should have a talk with the producers about that..."
RICARD : "Hmmm..."
When Piker has fully recovered, he enters the Bridge...
RICARD : "Are you sure you're all right, Number One? You still look a bit
pale..."
PIKER : "What do you expect? I got breathless, drunk and dumped somewhere in a
godforsaken place, all because of a woman."
RICARD : "The usual then?"
PIKER : "Exactly."
Just when Piker wants to sit down, the Bjork beams herself into his chair.
PIKER : "What the...?! Will you PLEASE stop appearing out of nowhere?!"
BJORK : "Well, because you ask so nicely... And I don't come from nowhere, I
come from Ten-Forward!"
PIKER : "Sorry I said anything!"
RICARD : "I know this is difficult for you, Bill, but in all our interests, I
must ask you to try and be friends."
PIKER : "Hmpf. Well if I must... But she's not going to call me "Bill"!!"
BJORK : "Ok, Pikky, I can live with that."
PIKER [biting his tongue] : "You...!!"
RICARD [whispering into Piker's ear] : "(Maybe you can take her to the
holodeck. She can do what she wants there without hurting any real
people.)"
BJORK [whispering into Rikky's... sorry, Ricard's ear] : "(There's no point in
whispering ; my hearing's fine, you know!)"
RICARD [disgruntled] : "Hmpf..."
BJORK : "Besides, all I've seen so far ARE hollow decks without any real
people! You're all just a sorry bunch of zombies!"
PIKER : "Well this "zombie" is getting hungry. If you want, I can fix us
something to eat."
BJORK [yawning] : "Yeah, I'm starving!"
The Bjork accompanies Piker to his quarters. He gets some "fresh" ingredients
from under his bed and starts cooking a meal.
PIKER : "Normally I use the replicator, but synthesized food just isn't like
the real thing."
BJORK : "The people on this ship also come out of replicators, then?"
PIKER : "Er... hmpf."
After a few minutes, the room is filled with an odour that could best be
described as a cross between the smell of old socks and that of new mothballs.
PIKER : "Here's my speciality : "Omelet à la Piker"! Mmm! Smells great, don't
you think?"
BJORK [pinching her nose] : "Er... yeah, I guess..."
After having taken a bite, the Bjork looks up from her plate, cross-eyed.
BJORK : "Yech! What are you trying to do? Poison me?! Away with this rubbish!"
The Bjork produces a low hum and the omelet suddenly vanishes. Meanwhile, on
the Bridge...
RICARD : "My, it's getting hot in here all of a sudden... Mr. Beta, do you
register any abnormal rise in temperature?"
BETA [turning in his chair towards Ricard] : "No, Sir, I... do not. Are you
ALSO trying to be more human, Sir?"
RICARD : "What do you mean, Mr. Beta?"
BETA : "You are apparently conducting an experiment to make your hair grow
again, Sir."
RICARD : "What ARE you talking about?"
BETA : "I am referring to the omelet, Sir. On your head."
RICARD [reaching for his head] : "What the...?! Another trick of that Bjork
creature, no doubt! Get this thing off my head!"
BETA : "I will get Chief O'Ryan to teleport it into space... the omelet, not
your head, Sir."
RICARD : "Much obliged, Mr. Beta... "In space, no one can hear you belch", as
they say..."
The omelet is teleported away, but instead of appearing at the intended
coordinates, there is a sudden surge of energy and a gigantic wormhole opens
just in front of the Lesserprize...
BETA : "We seem to have teleported the omelet into a nearby wormhole. And I
believe it has just... "belched", Sir."
MORF : "Sir, we're heading straight into it!"
RICARD : "Evasive manoeuvers, Mr. Morf!"
But no matter how fast (and that's still pretty slow) the Lesserprize turns,
it is already too late... The wormhole closes and the ship is trapped inside.
PIKER [entering the Bridge with the Bjork] : "I've never been inside a
wormhole before."
RICARD : "You should get out more."
PIKER : "So everybody keeps telling me..."
BETA : "Sir, sensors indicate random energy patterns. They could be life-
forms."
RICARD : "Move in closer. I want to investigate this phenomenon."
BJORK : "Yeah, I can imagine that you people have never seen a real life-form
before..."
What first appear to be small blue lights in the sky, reveal to be huge,
concentrated masses of energy, with white glowing particles swirling around
inside.
RICARD : "Can you determine any features, Mr. Beta?"
BETA : "No, Sir. These entities are made up entirely of pure energy and show
no apparent structure."
As the Lesserprize gets closer to the nearby entities, two of them start to
change shape and a red glowing sphere emerges out of each one. At first, the
two red lights merge. When they separate again, one of them heads for the
vessel.
MORF : "It's coming straight at us!"
PIKER : "Shields up! Infra-red alert!"
RICARD [smiling to Piker] : "You're very good at saying that, aren't you?"
PIKER [proud] : "What do you think got me into StarForce in the first place?"
RICARD [knowingly] : "Well it couldn't have been your brilliant results at
StarForce Academy."
When the red light collides with the Lesserprize, the shields have no effect
and the ship is struck a severe blow.
BJORK [holding on to a chair while everybody else tumbles to the floor] :
"Yahoo! I love shipquakes!"
RICARD : "Doctor Flusher, status report!"
FLUSHER : "We can only just manage here in sickbay! We have a lot of
casualties and numerous wounded. Some people are even a bit hurt! And
I broke my fingernail!"
RICARD : "Do whatever you can, Doctor! Ricard out."
BJORK : "Why isn't doctor Flusher's name mentioned in the begintitles of this
episode?"
PIKER : "Her role isn't as important as mine. She just says "inject 300cc of
tetrazine" a lot."
BJORK : "Oh. You mean she hasn't got as many stupid lines to say as you have?"
PIKER : "Er... something like that."
RICARD : "Commander, why don't you go and talk to Mr. LaGorge. Maybe he knows
a way to protect us against those energy bolts. And take HER with you,
so she's off my Bridge for a while!"
BJORK : "Well at least you didn't whisper this time!"
PIKER : "Come on, let's go into the turbolift and head for Engineering."
BJORK : "I know a faster way!"
Before Piker can protest, the Bjork hums and they are beamed away from the
Bridge...
BJORK : "Hello again, Mr. LaGorge. Hey, where's Pikky?"
LAGORGE : "Who?"
BJORK : "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant "commander Piker", buaak. He should be here
somewhere..."
PIKER : "I'm over here!"
Startled, Jordi and the Bjork run to the origin of the voice, but they don't
see anyone...
PIKER : "Up here!"
LAGORGE : "Commander Piker! Why is your head sticking out through the ceiling?!"
PIKER : "Because I wanna get a better view of Engineering! You think it's fun
to hang upside-down like this?!"
BJORK : "Oh dear, I think I got my teleport-spell wrong... Don't worry, I'll
put you up right again!"
The Bjork hums again but now Piker's head seems to stick out through the
floor...
BJORK : "His body must be somewhere else, that's why only his head is on the
floor!"
PIKER : "Sorry, but my head doesn't seem to know where my legs are."
BJORK : "It probably never does..."
ENSIGN GRAHAN : "Eeeek!"
LAGORGE : "What's going on, Grahan?"
GRAHAN [out of breath] : "It... it wanted to attack me!"
LAGORGE : "What?"
GRAHAN : "A computerconsole... on legs! It walked straight at me!"
BJORK : "I think we just found your legs, Pikky!"
PIKER : "Yeah, but the rest of my body is missing, right down to my waiste."
BJORK : "As far as I'm concerned, everything about you is a waste..."
LAGORGE : "We can locate your body by tracking down your badge. Computer,
locate commander Piker!"
COMPUTER : "Commander Piker is in cargo bay 4."
LAGORGE : "Cargo bay 4? That place is in danger of a hull breach! Chief
O'Ryan, teleport the body in cargo bay 4 immediately to Engineering!"
Just before the hull on cargo bay 4 is ripped open and everything inside is
sucked into space, Piker's body is safely beamed into Engineering.
BJORK : "Well, now that I've got all the pieces, I can put you back together
again!"
After a couple of unsuccessful "tests", the Bjork manages to get Piker back in
one piece.
BJORK : "That was fun, wasn't it? I liked you better with your head backwards
and your legs hanging from your shoulders, but there you go."
Having recovered from his experience, Piker "pulls himself together" and asks
Jordi for an analysis of the alien entities.
LAGORGE [enthusiastically] : "The moment those red lights emerged, there was a
noticeable increase in tachyon particles!"
PIKER [hopeful] : "I bet you can use that information to get us out of this
mess!"
LAGORGE : "Er... not at all, Sir."
PIKER : "Then why the hell are you so damn enthusiastic?"
LAGORGE : "I really love to talk about tachyon particles, Sir!"
PIKER [blankly] : "Grand."
Another red energy sphere approaches the Lesserprize and engulfs the ship
completely.
PIKER : "What's happening?! It's as if my head is about to explode!"
LAGORGE : "Maybe our minds are being scanned! I can almost feel my thoughts
being sucked out of my brain!"
BJORK : "You're right! It's trying to communicate with us! It makes me feel
completely ecstatic!"
Then, the red sphere starts to shrink, centering itself on captain Ricard.
After a few moments, it withdraws itself and returns to the entity it came
from. The crew of the Lesserprize prepares for the worst when the red sphere
returns again and completely envelops the ship once more... But instead of
falling victim to another violent assault, the crewmembers hear a voice
speaking inside their minds.
ENTITY : "Do not fear, little ones. I did not attack you, but as I mistook
your "ship" for a living being, my mental probe caused it to
malfunction, as it is incompatible with "machines"."
LAGORGE : "Of course! The probe tried to draw the energy out of the ship, as
it did with our brains, and caused damage to the systems!"
ENTITY : "Correct. It took me a while to understand that this ship of yours is
nothing but a means of transport, before I discovered that the real
life forms were inside it. But now that I have probed your minds, I
understand everything. I must say, it was a frightening experience for
me to discover how you creatures live! You are so pitiful! How
awkward, having to move a set of rigid "limbs", just to perform even
the simplest of tasks. We simply "stretch our beings" whenever we need
to move ourselves."
BJORK : "(Seeing those aliens dance must be as exciting as watching a chewing-
gum being torn apart...)"
ENTITY : "How appaling, having to collect dead organic material and stuffing
yourselves with it, just to stay alive. And how fragile you are ;
whenever you collide with matter, you risk deforming yourselves. We
exist purely out of energy. Moreover, we do not need these absurd
"feelings" in the form of pleasure and pain to tell us what is
happening to us. And then there is the way you communicate : you have
to depend on visual and audible signals to understand each other. We
can send over our thoughts to one another directly by merging our
mental probes. And your perception of reality is so immensely
laughable. While you can for example only see in three dimensions by
using a mental trick to combine two flat images, we send our mental
probe to collect information about any shape and place it into our
beings, so we have a true understanding of that shape. But the worst
thing of all is, that every 12 "hours", you loose control over
yourselves - you call it "sleeping" - so you are extremely vulnerable
to your environment. I would never want to live my life being locked
up in such a puny physical body."
RICARD : "Maybe we are quite primitive, but our intentions are peaceful. Our
policy -"
ENTITY : "- of non-interference allows alien cultures to progress normally and
peacefully. Yes, I know all of this, since I have read your mind,
"Captain". As I believe that you are sincere, I will help you to reach
your destination."
RICARD : "That is extremely kind of you. But how -"
Before Ricard has the chance the say another word, the alien entity's mental
probe becomes bright yellow and then vanishes abruptly.
ENTITY [thinking to itself] : "(So, that got rid of those annoying microbes...
My mental interaction with them was starting to disturb the balance of
my inner time-continuum...)"
The Lesserprize is suddenly in a completely different region of the galaxy,
nearby a giant green planet. On board, Piker and the Bjork join Ricard on the
Bridge.
RICARD : "Mr. Beta, give me a scan of this sector."
BETA : "We are in an uncharted part of the galaxy, Sir, approximately 3,200
light-years away from our previous position. But according to the
Bjork's information, the planet we see before us should indeed be
Iceworld."
BJORK : "That's not my homeworld! There's not enough ice on it!"
PIKER [grinning] : "Maybe it's finally become summer or something!"
BETA : "The "or something" assumption seems to be more appropriate, Sir."
PIKER [no longer grinning] : "How do you mean, Beta?"
BETA : "We appear to be at the right location, Sir. However, we do have a
slight problem."
RICARD : "What would that be, Mr. Beta?"
BETA : "According to the ship's chronometer, we have not only traveled 3,200
light-years in distance, but also 5,348 years into the past."
- Dramatic close-up of the Bjork's startled expression followed by 2nd
commercial break -
BJORK : "That alien thing's watch must have stopped ticking long ago! Now what
am I going to do?"
RICARD : "We should try to make contact with this world's inhabitants. Maybe
they can help. Mr. Morf, open hailing frequencies."
MORF : "Aye, Sir."
RICARD : "This is captain John-Luke Ricard of the Federation Starship
Lesserprize. Please respond."
MORF : "There is no response, Sir."
PIKER : "Maybe the Bjork's ancestors were still a bit primitive, so they
haven't yet got the technology to communicate with us."
BJORK [a bit offended] : "Well they could never be as primitive as you are!"
BETA : "That seems to be correct, Sir."
PIKER [also a bit offended now] : "Oh, thanks a lot! So you're against me now,
too?!"
BETA : "I am against no one, Sir. I am merely referring to the obvious
technical advance of the spacecraft that is heading towards us at
starboard."
RICARD : "Can you hail the craft, Mr. Morf?"
MORF : "There is once again no response, Sir... But I am reading a massive
energy build-up! The vessel is now firing upon us!"
The enemy ship strikes the Lesserprize a heavy blow.
PIKER : "Damn! I didn't even have the chance to say "raise shields", and you
know how much I love to say that!"
RICARD : "Mr. LaGorge, damage report!"
LAGORGE [aimlessly running back and forth alongside exploding control panels]:
"All engines are off-line! There's heavy damage to the life-support
systems... The main reactor is in danger of a power-core breach, Sir!
And ensign Grahan has been smoking again! I don't think we're going to
make it!"
RICARD : "Anything you can do to avoid that power-core breach?"
LAGORGE [nearly suffocating in escaping toxic gases - or is that ensign
Grahan's sigaret?] : "Negative, Captain! We would have to travel back
in time to stop it!"
RICARD : "I think we've done a bit too much of that already!"
BJORK : "Why don't we beam down to the planet? My world has a breathable
atmosphere!"
RICARD : "And leave my vessel to be destroyed, without lifting a finger?
That'll be the day!"
BJORK : "You can lift your fingers all you like, but I really don't think we
should stay here!"
BETA : "I believe the Bjork is right, Sir. We cannot survive if we stay on the
Lesserprize."
BJORK : "Well at least some one around here has a normal brain! You are the
most reasonable person I've met on this ship so far, Beta."
BETA : "If I were a human being, I would probably be blushing right now, but
since I am not, I cannot. However, I must disagree with what you said
about my brain. You see, I have got a positronic brain, which is
capable of doing five trillion calculations per second and..."
PIKER [frustrated] : "Yeah, why don't you show her your blueprints while
you're at it?!"
BETA : "Somehow I do not believe you really want me to do that, Sir."
BJORK : "You see? He's extremely perceptive!"
BETA [trying his best to smile] : "Thank you once again."
PIKER : "Can we get this over with before it turns into an absurd romantic
affair?!"
BJORK : "Yeah, you know all about that sort of thing, don't you?"
RICARD : "There's no time for arguing with each other! We've got to get off
this ship... I never thought I'd ever hear myself say that... All
senior officers to Transporter Room Two!"
When Ricard, the Bjork, Piker, Morf, Jordi, Flusher and some other officers
enter the transporter room, Chief O'Ryan stands ready to beam everyone onto
the planet's surface.
BJORK : "Who are those officers?"
PIKER : "Never seen them before on this show, so they'll probably get wasted
somewhere during this episode."
When Chief O'Ryan tries to beam some "unknown officers" down to the planet,
something goes horribly wrong and their atoms are dispersed across the room.
PIKER : "What did I tell ya?"
BJORK [impressed] : "I see..."
RICARD : "Mr. O'Ryan, what happened?"
O'RYAN : "The transporter just malfunctioned, Sir!"
RICARD : "I would never have guessed! But what are you going to do about it?"
O'RYAN : "There is no way I can repair this now, Sir! I would have to run a
complete level one diagnostic on all transporter functions, but that
would take far too much time!"
BJORK : "Then there's only one solution..."
Before anyone can say anything, the Bjork hums low and all are whisked away
from the Lesserprize...
RICARD [looking at the complicated control panels on the walls of the room
where he, Piker and Beta have rematerialized] : "Somehow I don't think
we're on the planet..."
PIKER : "And where is the rest of the crew? Beta, can you detect any life-
signs?"
BETA : "My tricorder cannot detect anything beyond these walls, Commander. The
walls are made of an unknown material which is probably causing
interference."
RICARD : "We appear to be locked in. This door is probably activated by typing
in a certain access code. If we could use any of these control panels
to override that code, we might get out of here."
PIKER : "Mr. Beta, see what you can do to override those control functions.
Thumbs up!"
BETA : "Yes, Sir."
RICARD : "Mr. Beta, what ARE you doing?"
BETA : "Precisely what commander Piker told me to do, Sir. Although I must
admit, it IS somewhat inefficient to work with only eight fingers, as
I must keep my thumbs up."
After a lot of trial & error, Beta finally manages to crack the code and the
door opens. When all three of them step outside, they find themselves in a
huge maze of corridors. Suddenly, Ricard hears a familiar voice in his head.
RICARD : "I'm having telepathic contact with the Bjork! She wants to guide us
to her."
After a short search, they find the Bjork and the other crewmembers.
BJORK [excited] : "It's Rikky and Pikky! I told you they would find us!"
The Bjork explains how the strange material of the walls (and doors and floors
and ceilings too, actually) disabled her special powers.
PIKER : "Any idea to where you "accidentally" teleported us this time?"
BJORK : "I'm really sorry, but since I tasted that omelet of yours, I seem to
have lost a bit of control over my powers. I really haven't got a clue
about where we are."
RICARD : "The only thing we can do now is to look for someone who can help us.
Let's go."
ALIEN : "That won't be necessary!"
The alien had slowly crept up on the crew of the Lesserprize from a side they
weren't watching (as usual). In his claws he holds what appears to be a
weapon.
ALIEN : "My superior will be happy to see that I managed to capture a whole
group of Xylon spies!"
RICARD : "I don't know what you mean with "Xylon spies", but I can tell you
that I am captain John-Luke Ricard of the starship Lesserprize. We
were unintentionally transported to this place and our visit is
peaceful. But where exactly on the planet are we?"
ALIEN : "So you ARE spies! All those who have "peaceful" business with those
loathsome Xylons down there, are our enemies! As for where you are : I
have the "pleasure" of informing you that you are on the Ge'Bralian
patrol ship around Xylon!"
PIKER [with an air of frustration] : "The "Xylons"? I thought you said your
race is called "the Bjork"?!"
BJORK : "Yeah. I cheated. But it sounded pretty impressive, didn't it? They
actually called me the Bjork - it's my name really. But I am a bit
like a whole race as a single person ; I was never like the others,
and would never want to be."
PIKER : "I would never use my name and turn it into a new race! And I thought
it was ME who was the most arrogant and over-the-top self-assured
character in this episode!"
BJORK [reassuring and calm] : "Well you ARE!"
PIKER [smiling with relief] : "You really mean that? Thanks! Much obliged."
ALIEN : "That's enough! Once I have locked you up, you'll have enough time to
argue amongst yourselves!"
The alien guard "escorts" everyone to a nearby detention cell and removes all
of their phasers and tricorders. Once they are emprisoned, he signals his
captain of their capture.
RICARD [to Bjork] : "Any ideas about who those Ge'Bralians are?"
BJORK : "As a matter of fact I do. But I only know of them through old myths
and legends. They were the worst enemies of my people, coming with
"magical vehicles" from outer space and destroying everything in
sight. However, they were supposedly annihilated with some sort of
magical device."
RICARD : "If only we could get to the planet, so we could -"
Ricard is interrupted by the sudden arrival of another Ge'Bralian, whose
uniform suggests he is an extremely high-ranked officer.
PIKER : "I wish I had a uniform like that! At least then everybody would look
up to me!"
RICARD : "If you want to wear such a uniform, you can always resign from
StarForce..."
ZMIR'NOCK : "My name is Zmir'Nock, I am the captain of this vessel. My, what
a great moment, to see such a loathsome bunch of Xylon spies captured
on my ship! By the way, I sent your vessel crashing into the planet's
surface! Heheheheh!"
BJORK : "Nice costume, shame about your attitude. And you could at least have
clipped your fingernails and shaven off that stuff from your face, so
it doesn't get in the way when you insult my people!"
ZMIR'NOCK [almost choking on his ingrowing beard] : "You will pay for this,
you #@§ù£&! [a lot of incomprehensible shouting and growling] Guard,
take these criminals and throw them in the airlock, so we can dump
them into space!"
PIKER : "Another fine mess you got us into, Bjork!"
RICARD : "On the contrary, Number One. She may actually have provided us with
an unexpected opportunity to escape..."
GUARD : "Stop talking! This way! Move!"
After walking through a few more corridors, they stop at the ship's airlock.
The guard opens the inner door and everyone else is pushed inside.
GUARD [closing the door] : "May your bones rot in space!"
BETA : "I think that is wishful thinking, as it is biologically impossible for
bones to rot in a vacuum."
BJORK [to Ricard] : "Why didn't you order Beta to overpower the guard?"
RICARD : "Because we still need the guard... to open the outer door."
PIKER [baffled] : "What?! But we'll be sucked into space!"
RICARD : "Not necessarily. You see, the walls of this ship interfere with
Bjork's powers, but once this door opens, she could teleport us onto
the planet's surface."
PIKER : "Or onto another alien ship! How can we trust that she won't make a
mistake this time?"
RICARD : "Since we wouldn't know how to operate this ship, overpowering the
crew would be pointless. And I have the feeling they would rather die
or be tortured than co-operate. So I really don't see any alternative.
We'll just have to trust her instincts."
As the outer door suddenly starts to open slowly, Bjork quickly starts a low
hum to teleport everyone onto planet Xylon, while the air is violently being
sucked out of the airlock...
PIKER [looking around] : "Fresh air... green grass... blue sky... We must be
on the planet, alright! And everyone seems to be accounted for... It
seems you actually succeeded this time, Bjork!"
BJORK : "That's because I tricked my teleport spell into thinking that I
wanted it to transport us to one side of the planet, so it sent us to
the other side instead. But it worked, didn't it?"
RICARD : "I think it's time we went looking for some of those ancestors of
yours. Maybe that magical device you mentioned could be of some help
to us."
MORF : "If my eyesight is still fine, I believe THEY have already found US,
Sir!... Doctor, what are you doing?"
FLUSHER : "Just checking if your eyesight is still fine..."
And indeed it is, since a large group of small but strong looking natives
approaches from the distance. When they draw near, it is obvious that they are
still in a somewhat primitive state of development. Instead of talking, they
start to send out primal thoughts directly into the minds of the Lesserprize
crew.
XYLON #1 : "!"
XYLON #2 : "?"
XYLON #3 : ","
PIKER : "Why the hell can't they just talk English, like all aliens on this
show usually do?!"
BJORK : "Their thoughts are still very basic. They can't yet communicate
verbally, so I am the only one who can try to explain our situation to
them."
As Bjork starts to telepathically tell the Xylons how she and the others got
on their planet, the aliens suddenly start to become rather upset...
XYLONS : "!!,?!..,.??!"
BJORK : "Uh-oh, they don't quite like the idea that we came here on board a
starship... They think we are Ge'Bralian spies!"
PIKER [angry] : "I'm sick and tired of being treated as a spy! And once again
it's you who put us in this situation, Bjork! You've been nothing but
a nuisance since the moment you beamed yourself aboard the
Lesserprize! But this time I won't let myself be captured by another
bunch of primitive aliens! Mr. Morf, let's teach these annoying dwarfs
a little lesson!"
Piker and Morf prepare for a violent assault on the Xylons. But no matter how
hard they try to jump the aliens, these always succeed in dodging and avoiding
any blows. When Piker and Morf become tired of chasing them in vain, the
Xylons quickly pull out their spears and point them at the two tired men...
BJORK : "That's not the right approach. Let me do this."
Bjork quickly moves onto a small nearby elevation in the terrain and faces the
Xylons who are about to strike...
BJORK [talking to the camera] : "I'm gonna sing a song now. It's called "It's
Oh So Noisy"."
Bjork produces a five-minute long scream and the Xylons flee in all
directions.
PIKER [gasping for breath] : "I owe you an apology for what I said earlier. I
guess I was just talking through my bottom."
BJORK : "Well that IS where your brain is, innit? Nevertheless, apology
accepted."
RICARD : "But how are we going to get the Xylons' help now? As long as they're
hostile, they will not let us take a look at their magical device."
LAGORGE : "With their inferior technical knowledge, I can't even begin to
imagine how they could ever have built something to destroy the
Ge'Bralian ships, anyway."
As they are discussing what to do next, they suddenly hear a familiar sound...
LAGORGE : "Hey, that sounds like... no, that can't be! Yes it is! It's a
shuttlecraft from the Lesserprize!"
The small shuttlecraft lands and the door opens...
LAGORGE [excited] : "It's ensign Grahan! He must have escaped the Lesserprize
just in time!"
GRAHAN [trying his best to look happy] : "Yes Sir, I did, but..."
LAGORGE : "What's wrong, Grahan?"
Before Grahan has the time to explain, he is pushed forward out of the shuttle
by someone his crewmates know all too well...
ZMIR'NOCK : "Well, well, it seems we meet again, Xylon spies! Please let me
explain... When your burning ship was heading for this planet, I
detected this shuttlecraft attempting to escape, but I managed to
capture it and persuade your friend here to pilot it for me!"
MORF [at Grahan] : "You wimp! You should have been killed with honour instead
of obediently collaborating with the enemy! You have dishonoured our
trust! If we were on my homeworld, I would -"
RICARD : "That's enough Mr. Morf!"
MORF : "I apologize, Sir. (Grmblmphf...)"
ZMIR'NOCK [undisturbed] : "I knew I would find you on this planet! You really
thought I was so stupid that I hadn't noticed you were gone?"
BJORK : "Well you certainly look it!"
ZMIR'NOCK : "That's the last time you have insulted me, Xylon bitch!"
RICARD : "Now look, we can avoid all of this violence if you are willing to
peacefully discuss this situation. I'm sure we can come to some sort
of compromise..."
ZMIR'NOCK : "Yes, you are a real negotiator, aren't you? Your name is Ricard
I believe? Well, Ricard, since you are such a diplomat, I'll give you
a nice little problem to which you can find the most "peaceful"
solution, heheheheh! You have the choice : either YOU kill that
annoying Xylon female for me, or [pointing his weapon at Grahan's
head] you can lamely watch ME kill this worthless soldier of yours!
What shall it be?"
As Ricard does his best to come up with an idea, Beta all of a sudden picks up
a stone, swings his arm and throws the stone at the unexpecting Ge'Bralian
captain, all in the blink of an eye. The captain falls to the ground, but a
Ge'Bralian guard, who has stayed on board the shuttle, sees what happens and
contacts his homeplanet.
GUARD : "You have won this time, but not for long! The imperial fleet of
Ge'Bralia shall soon arrive and eradicate all of you! Hail Xing'Dor!"
Hearing the name Xing'Dor, Bjork feels a shiver creeping up her spine...
PIKER : "What's wrong, Bjork?"
BJORK : "Xing'Dor, emperor of Ge'Bralia and butcher of the Xylons... I thought
he was just a myth!"
The Ge'Bralian guard is captured and Beta is complimented on his heroic act
(although he's not exactly moved by all the attention). All of a sudden, the
Xylons return out of their hiding places and seem a lot more friendly now,
relieved that a Ge'Bralian captain has been defeated.
RICARD : "Bjork, why don't you ask those Xylons about their magical device.
I'm really anxious to see it."
BJORK : "Will do."
But when Bjork inquires about the device, the Xylons have no idea what she
means...
LAGORGE : "I suspected something like this. They must have invented it much
later. It seems we have gone too far back in time... But maybe we can
find a way to defend ourselves by using some of the equipment on board
the shuttlecraft!"
GRAHAN : "There might also be some useful things left among the remains of the
crashed Lesserprize... I was forced to land near the crash site by
Zmir'Nock, while he was looking for you. I can take you there if you
want."
LAGORGE : "Great! Let's go!"
PIKER [to Ricard] : "I was just wondering, Sir... What choice would you have
made if Beta hadn't intervened?"
RICARD [staring into the distance] : "I would have chosen the only option
available."
PIKER : "Sir?"
RICARD : "The wrong one, Number One,... the wrong one."
Arriving at the crashed Lesserprize, Ricard becomes unusually emotional when
he sees the ship he once commanded, reduced to a pile of debris.
RICARD : "My vessel! My beautiful vessel! Completely destroyed!"
BETA : "Congratulations, Sir."
RICARD [baffled] : "What for?!"
BETA : "On reaching such an emotional state, Sir. I would envy you, if I was
capable of that emotion."
RICARD [doubtful] : "Er... thank you, Mr. Beta... I think."
BETA : "Sir, I might be able to use these still functional warp coils as the
energy source for a mass-energy convertor that could invert the flow
of sub-atomic particles."
RICARD : "Er, I see... great idea Mr. Beta. [Whispering into Jordi's ear]
(What the devil is he talking about?)"
LAGORGE : "I think he's attempting to construct a space-time disruptor, Sir,
but that's never been done before!"
RICARD : "May I ask why you want to build this prototype, Mr. Beta?"
BETA : "Of course, Sir. As you are my captain, you may ask me anything."
RICARD [nervously] : "...So?"
BETA : "We could use the space-time disruptor to send any hostile Ge'Bralian
ships into another space-time continuum, Sir."
LAGORGE [excited] : "So we could use it as a weapon! Well done, Beta!"
RICARD : "Very well, Mr. Beta. Make it so! Mr. LaGorge will assist you."
LAGORGE [enthusiastic] : "Great!"
Beta and Jordi work as fast as they can to construct the space-time disruptor.
While running the final tests, a noise in the distance starts to grow
louder...
MORF : "Sir, I believe there is an alien vessel approaching! No, wait... there
are several of them!"
At the horizon, a huge alien fleet is rapidly advancing...
RICARD : "It seems Xing'Dor's imperial fleet is already looking for us... Mr.
Beta, how is the disruptor coming along?"
BETA : "It is just about finished, Sir... exactly... NOW."
RICARD : "Then I suggest you use it, Mr. Beta!"
When the imperial fleet gets in range, the disruptor is activated and produces
some sort of humming noise...
RICARD : "It doesn't appear to function all too well, Mr. Beta?"
BETA : "Everything is working normally, Sir... I cannot immediately detect the
problem..."
LAGORGE : "There is a problem with the power supply, Sir! The warp coils
simply aren't powerful enough!"
PIKER : "Sir, it might be a long shot, but I am familiar enough with the sound
the disruptor makes, to tell you that it sounds just like... Bjork's
humming noise whenever she does one of her tricks. Maybe she could
help."
RICARD : "Number One, you just made a useful suggestion!"
PIKER : "Yeah, must be the heat..."
RICARD : "Well, what do you think, Bjork?"
BJORK : "If I can get my voice to the same frequency, it might..."
Tuning her humming chant to match that of the disruptor, a kind of small black
nebula begins to form inside the planet's atmosphere, quickly growing larger
as Bjork's voice becomes more and more synchronous with the disruptor. Several
Ge'Bralian vessels start to fire at the surface and huge rays of energy
perforate the terrain, but, as if by miracle, the disruptor and all those near
it, are spared. The dark cloud slowly but surely starts to absorb the enemy
ships, who only realize too late what disaster is about to strike them, as
they are mercilessly being pulled towards their doom. All that remains of the
once mighty fleet are a few scraps of metal, slowly falling to the ground...
Down on the surface, everyone cheers and congratulates Bjork, as she recovers
from her exhausting effort. A nearby tribe has also witnessed what has
happened. Its leader and some other members come to show their gratitude.
RICARD : "Hmmm... Maybe we should give this "space-time disruptor" a more
appropriate name, one that is linked to this world..."
LAGORGE : "Since we are on Xylon, why not "Xylophone"?"
PIKER : "Sounds good to me!"
BJORK [shocked] : "Now I remember! That's how our magical device was called!
But then..."
RICARD : "...the Xylons never built any "magical device"... WE did!"
LAGORGE : "Excuse me, Sir, but I just thought of something! If I could provide
the Xylophone with a more accurate control device, it could create a
rift in space-time that could take us back exactly to where and when
we were before we entered the wormhole!"
RICARD : "Is this possible, Mr. Beta?"
BETA : "Using the information we were able to extract from the Lesserprize's
remains, it should be possible, Sir... in theory."
RICARD : "Make it so, Mr. LaGorge."
LAGORGE : "Aye Sir!"
After a while, Jordi has finished the control upgrade on the Xylophone and
informs everyone that the device is now creating the rift in space-time that
would take them to where they started...
PIKER : "Sir, you look thoughtful?"
RICARD [indeed thoughtful] : "I was just wondering, Number One... could it be?
A passage through space and time, taking us to where and when we
belong... a way home?"
PIKER : "I guess we'll just have to find out, Sir."
RICARD : "And indeed we shall. I suggest we all get aboard the shuttlecraft!"
As they are all heading towards the shuttlecraft, a couple of Xylons come up
to Bjork and apparently tell her something that startles her.
PIKER : "You seem upset. What did they tell you?"
BJORK : "Since I am one of their descendants, they want me to stay with them
and tell them everything about their future!"
PIKER : "You can't do that! It would change the course of history!"
RICARD : "Whether we like it or not, we are already part of that history. If
commander LaGorge hadn't devised the Xylophone, your mythical
"magical device" would never have existed. As I see it, we ARE
responsible for this planet's future, so whatever choice you make,
Bjork, it's bound to be the correct one. I do not think we CAN alter
history."
BJORK : "But I'm not sure I WANT to stay!"
RICARD : "Judging by the look on his face, the leader of this Xylon tribe is!"
BJORK : "I can always try to persuade him to let me leave!"
RICARD : "I think he's adamant!"
BJORK : "I have absolutely no business with Adam Ant!"
Piker and Ricard look at each other, totally confused.
BETA [accessing his internal database] : "I believe, Sir, she is confounding
what you said with the name of an ancient singer."
BJORK : "Don't you people know ANYTHING about music?!"
PIKER : "What the captain meant, is that he is not willing to have it any
other way."
BJORK : "Well, I guess I COULD educate them..."
RICARD : "Then it's settled. After all, being returned to your own people is
what you wanted, and now you have the chance to teach them a thing or
two."
PIKER : "Well, I guess this is goodbye then... I never thought I would say
this, but... I think I'm going to miss you, Bjork."
BJORK : "In the end, I don't know why really, but I think you're alright...
for a StarForce officer! I'm gonna miss you too... oh get lost, I hate
long goodbyes! They make me feel all mushy!"
Everyone - except Bjork - gets inside the shuttlecraft. It swiftly gets off
the ground and heads straight for the rift, as Bjork waves them a final
farewell. Inside the rift...
PIKER : "Jordi, is it my impression or is this shuttle shaking too much for
its own good?"
LAGORGE : "It is indeed, Sir! It is possible that the fabric of the universe
inside this rift is too unstable! If only we could hang on long enough
until we've cleared the rift, everything would..."
Jordi's words become inaudible and suddenly every single atom inside the
shuttle starts to break apart...
Aboard the Lesserprize, everything is back to normal... possibly...
PIKER : "We have just received an important message from StarForce, Sir."
RICARD : "I'm on my way to the Bridge, Number One."
Ricard enters the Bridge, NOT tripping over the leg of a kid playing on the
floor.
RICARD : "Mr. Morf, shouldn't something have just happened?"
MORF [a bit embarrassed] "Er... I have no idea, Sir. But I guess, in space
things do not always happen as you would expect them to."
RICARD : "Hmmm, a satisfactory explanation, Mr. Morf. Keep up the good work!"
MORF : "Thank you Sir!"
RICARD : "So, what's that important message all about then, Bill?"
PIKER [proud] : "In a few moments, we'll be honoured with the visit of a major
figure in StarForce... the only female officer who ever had such a
glorious career..."
RICARD : "That can only be..."
PIKER : "...admiral Bjork!"
THE END
- Endtitles - Nothing special... hang on, hey! Who's ripping apart the title-
screen?! No, no, you can't do that...! Please don't stick your head through
there! Why are you doing this?!
BJÖRK : "Sorry, but I just wanted to use the occasion to announce the release
of my next single. It's called "There's more to space than this" and
will be out in the beginning of next year, thankyouverymuch. Bye."
Roll endtitles! Oh, forget it!
Conceived and written by Thomas Stevens, major Björk-fan (November 1995)
Please feel free to offer any constructive criticism - good or bad.
You may e-mail me at "panu.ranta@iki.fi".
I look forward to your replies and, keep your eyes peeled for new stories
in the near future.
Publishing of this story is not allowed without my authorization.
You may pass on this story to your friends if you give me credit for it.
If not, "the Bjork" will come and teleport you onto a very cold and lonely
asteroid indeed... in space, no one will hear you cry for mercy!
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